I woke up slowly, groaning as I realized I had to get up.
I turned over and yawned, "Good morning, Pai." With my eyes closed.

But there was no reply.

"Pai?" I opened my eyes and was greeted with an empty bunch of sheets. Needless to say, I was baffled.
I sat up quickly and ran a hand through my hair.  "Pai-chan?" I called out, more loudly than before.
My eyes drifted to the clock on the nightstand and my frets were instantly dismissed. I laughed at my own flaring anxieties: I had only slept in. It was 9:30, meaning Pai's shift had started an hour ago. I guess he had left without waking me, though.. I really wish he had (it's a pet peeve of mine, not knowing where people are).
Normally, if he leaves without me knowing, he leaves a note, but I found no facsimile  of one. Why?

Maybe, in all my forgetfulness, I had let slip my mind that today was some sort of notable occasion. I got up to check the kitchen calendar, to be sure, not caring I was only in my boxers.
Heh.. It bothered Pai to no end when I walked around in my undies. He said it would be embarrassing if someone saw. I said, if anyone did, I'd give them a real show, which only made him groan and hide his red face in his hands.

A-anyway, I found there was something on today's list, but it wasn't until 1:30. "Funeral" it read in shaky handwriting.
…Not to be insensitive but, uh.. Who died?
I considered calling Pai and asking, but I doubt he would be very pleased if I asked.

Well, damn, now it was starting to really bug me!
I knew right away it wasn't any of my or his family… Who freaking died?!

AS I was running through a list of possibilities, there was a soft knock on the apartment door. Oh great, I thought. Is there company I'm supposed to entertain as well?
"Jesus…" I grumbled in irritation at only myself for not remembering anything this morning.

Before I answered the door, I checked a mirror and "smoothed" my hair. Another knock sounded as I checked my teeth.
"Coming!" I yelled and ran to open the door. Only then did I realize how tired and drained I was, which only added to the ever-growing list of things I had no answer to.

"Sa-Satori?" I said in surprise. He never came over, but what shocked me more was that he looked somber and like he hadn't slept well in far too long.
What the hell did I miss?!

"Hey, man, listen. I know how much he meat to you. Never knew you two were, y'know…" he made some hand gestures, meshing his fingers together. I was lost.

"B-but listen, I came to drive you to the funeral. There's no way in hell you can drive yourself."

I shook my head. "Wh-what're you talking about..? Wh-who's funeral…?"
Satori looked at me with sympathetic eyes.

"Pai's, Sy."

My heart stopped. I'm sorry- did I just hear "Pai's" as in "Pai's funeral"? Or are my ears going on me..? Was there some sentence I'd mentally omitted somehow and- and--?

But even the possibility was enough to make me slam the door in Satori's face.

It wasn't true.

I bolted to my cell phone; my life suddenly depending on it.
My fingers flew over the buttons in the sequence that had all but been programmed into them; the numbers that would get me peace of mind.

…Two rings…
…Four rings…
Oh, thank god- it picked up! I thought tha-
"This number is no longer in service. Please hang up a-"
I snapped the phone shut, mind reeling.

No longer in service? No.. No, it wasn't true… it was some sick joke. It had to be!

I called Pai's work next. Maybe he forgot to pay his stupid bills or something. Yeah, that's all. That's it.

A female voice answered: "Hello, San Francisco Telecomunications Services. How may I help you?"

"Could I speak to Pai Richards, please?" I asked, hoping my voice wasn't shaking as bad as my hands were.
"One moment." The woman said and soothing hold music wavered from the earpiece.
Every second, every note built up my anxiety more. My mind ran through scenario upon scenario of things that could have happened. Damn it, I had to calm down! Nothing had happened!

"I'm sorry, but no one by that name works here anymore."

Anymore? No.. No!

I hung up and slowly trudged back to the door. Satori was still standing there, eyes still full of that wretched pity.
I let him in and we sat on the love-seat, drinking coffee.

"He-he's really..?" I couldn't say it. Part of me still refused to believe it, but it was the "truth".
Satori nodded.

"How?" I croaked.
"He was going down the highway. Something must have spooked him or somethin'… Anyhow, he ended up having a cataplexy attack and crashing…"

Oh, how my heart ached." He didn't suffer, did he?" Was all I could manage. God, please say 'no'.

Satori shifted and sighed. "Said he died on impact. No one else was hurt 'cause, see, he hit the median."

"Oh…" I was completely numb.
Pai.. My Pai-chan… Dead? It was slowly becoming more real.

God… I never told him I loved him as much as I should have.. I never held him long enough… We hadn't spent enough time together, being "together" as a couple-!
There were just so many things we were going to do; places we were going to go…!
All cut short. Just like that.

How, I wondered, just how in the hell of it all had I managed to forget the death of the love of my life?! Had this happened before? Did I have some sort of recurring amnesia as a result of  the shock?
I must be going mad…

"You better get ready, you know?" Satori interrupted my train of thought.

I half walked, half dragged my self to our-my… My room without another word and stared into the closet at my suit. I'd only worn it once on a special dinner a couple years ago… It would have to work for funerals as well. I only hoped it would fit.

I put it on slowly, my thoughts and confused emotions hampering my movements.
Any minute now, Pai was going to walk through that door, see my face and laugh his ass off. Then I'd beat him black and fucking blue and then tell him I loved him and…

But I ended up walking out the door in my ebony pinstripe down to Satori's car.

The route to the service was painful and long. It was like Satori was purposely driving me past every place where Pai and I had done things together… But.. he wouldn't do that.. It was my mind making up insane things like that. Pai was his friend too, after all.

Some idiotic part of my mind still screamed Pai's death was a hoax..!
…Is this normally what people go through with grief?

When we finally got there, Satori said he'd wait in the car and give me some alone time. I nodded as I got out and slowly made my way inside.

It seemed smaller on the outside. The ceiling was high and creamy in colour and there was a long center isle…
The place was just, well…Big.

I saw a large cross and someone who I could only assume to be Christ nailed to it.

I suddenly hated this place.
Religion of any kind brought back bad memories.

My parents had never been stable; they both went on with their separate faiths: my mother being Jewish and my father a Christian. But when I was born, they had fights about what I was going to follow, since there was "no way" I could do both or neither. So, until I was two, I was alternated between being taken to a synagogue and a catholic church (I'm not even getting started on the whole holiday thing…).
Eventually, this ended in their divorce and.. And that's when all the 'fun' stuff with my dad happened.
Ah, all of this was recounted to me by a neighbor when I was older.

But anyway.. I wasn't going to think about them.. Not today.

My eyes finished their sweep of the room and settled on the coffin in the apse. I was violently yanked from my past and unceremoniously dumped into the present.
It was closed.

As I walked up to the coffin, meaning to open it, I was stubbornly still hoping, still trying to grasp at the impossible notion that the body in that box would not be Pai when I opened it.
That's what churches and stuff are for, right? Hoping and praying?
Well, I hoped and prayed as much as I could in a vain attempt to make up for twenty-two years.
It proved to be for nothing after all.

I lifted the lid and right away, smelled the wood and then some cheap, almost absent perfume that failed to completely obliterate the underlying stench of formaldehyde.
I did not smell anything that held semblance to my Pai.

It occurred to me as I looked over his face: where were his injuries?
But.. I guess it's either really good maquillage or… Well, I only really saw his face. (I guessed his injuries to be elsewhere…)
Perfect, whole, unharmed.

But it really looked like he was sleeping. I suppose if you think about it, that's all death really is: an eternal sleep one never rouses from.

I looked at the rest of him. He was clad in a suit as black as perpetual night with a blood red rose tucked into his breast pocket.
But.. Whoever had drained and filled him with the preserving gel hadn't done it right.
Save for his face, the rest was filled out so badly I wanted to cry.
Actually, upon noticing the slightly darker and wet spots on the white silken lining of the coffin, I realized I was.

I closed my eyes and looked away.
This was not how I wanted to remember my Pai-chan.

I slowly closed the coffin lid, whispering my last good-byes.
When I turned around, all of the seats in the church were suddenly filled. Most people I couldn't recognize.

Had I been standing there that long?

Satori called me from my thoughts. I couldn't hear a thing he said… I was just so dead inside when the horrible verity of now was forced upon me.
He handed me a few cards which I had apparently written a few days ago and walked away.

I stepped up onto the elevated platform before the mass of people.
They stared back at me with expressionless, dead faces.

Now I'd need it. It was true. There was no more denying it. With so many witnesses, it was no joke.
I… had based my whole life around him.
I had been studying abroad until I couldn't stand the distance between us and quit the education to opt for online courses I could take. Never mind they weren't what I wanted to a 't'. Never mind the opportunities I'd thrown out the window
Pai was the sole thing that kept me grounded and sane; that drove me to keep living from one day to the next and now he was gone.

I nearly collapsed under the weight of reality. I had no family to speak of, few good friends, a job that might make ends meet if I worked twenty hours of over-time each week and didn't drive anymore…
What was the point?

I involuntarily crumpled onto the lectern in front of me and felt my numbness shatter and be replaced with crushing grief.  I felt violent sobs wrack my body.

Suddenly I fell forward into darkness.

"Ahah--!"

The slow whirring of the fan made me aware…
Was it..? I ran my hands through my hair.
My heart was still racing and I was covered in a cold sweat. I looked at my hands, not quite believing they were my own, as they trembled.

I heard a small groan and felt the bed shift.
I swiftly turned and I nearly died with all the emotions coursing through me all at once.
Shock, relief, elation, confusion…
The answer hit me like a ton of bricks.
"A dream." I said a bit loudly, making Pai twitch.
I allowed all of my tension and happiness to flow out of me in tears and sobs that were barely subdued.

God knows I wanted to pick him up, squeeze the living daylights out of him and kiss him until our lips bled or he passed out from lack of air or both…! But I settled for letting my hand rest on his cheek.
He was tangible.

I pinched myself so hard I punctured the skin and saw a little blood trickle out just to make sure that this was no dream.

Satisfied I was finally in reality, I sighed and got back under the covers. It was 5:30 in the morning, like hell I was going to get up. (not that sleep was going to come again anyhow…)

Pai groaned again and snuggled into me.
I put an arm around him.

A cool nose and lips pressed against my neck.
"Sy-san…" he murmured in his sleep.

I decided not to wake him and scare him with my nightmare. Better to keep this to myself and preserved his carefree-ness. It was better that way.